How to Handle People’s Emotional Overspill During the Pandemic
Recently I conducted a virtual workshop for ten female leaders. This was our second module; by now we knew each other quite well and participants felt comfortable to work with their cameras on. Even so, one of the participants chose to remain “in the dark”. When the time came for her to share a few words, she started to talk about how frustrated she felt, how much she had on her plate and how much she wanted things to be over, including our training.
As she was talking, I noticed the other participants. Even though just a few moments ago they were sharing how excited they had been and how much they looked forward to new insights, now you could see their energy going down as they were becoming more uncomfortable and jittery. So I had a decision to make.
I let the participant finish, then I asked her what would be best for her. Would it be to continue being with us in the training, or would she prefer to dedicate her focus to a different commitment that would perhaps bring her more satisfaction? I confirmed that the training was being recorded, so she wouldn’t lose anything. Then I dared to take a step further. Iremindedallparticipantsthatourtraining required full presence, so we can achieve some real breakthroughs. Second, I underlined that our emotions are contagious and that we, as individuals, need to be mindful of what comes into the room with us, for our emotions impact and shape the world around us. My participant stopped for a moment, reflected and she said that she would continue with us. Even though she did switch off her camera a few times, she became fully engaged in the breakout rooms and in the chat. I took a deep breath. This was one thin edge to walk – as always, in fact, when dealing with people under the influence of strong emotions.
What was my participant actually doing in the situation above? She was venting – and we, the group, were her venting ground.
Nowadays we are all stressed; the last year has stretched all our boundaries to the extreme. This is why most of us feel the need to vent and this is why it may also feel awkward and unsensitive to interrupt people when they vent. Venting may bring us a quick emotional relief – that’s for sure. But it comes with a price tag. On the one hand, venting keeps us revved up, with no possibility for our nervous system to rest.
Second, venting turns people around us into our emotional dumping ground. While we may be getting a quick sense of relief, the people we impact when venting may take over the burden of our emotions and bring it home with them without even knowing it. In the long run, venting truly doesn’t bring anything positive to anyone.
So what should we do when we are dealing with people who engage in emotional venting?
1. Recognize what’s going on
First we need to recognize the process – that the person in front of us is under the influence of strong emotions and is using an unhealthy emotional coping strategy. More, they are engaging us in their emotional coping pattern.
2. Don’t let yourself pulled into the game
Recognizing what is going on is only the first step. We also need to be able to master our own emotions so we can contain the process and guide the other towards a safer and healthier emotional management approach. So notice, breathe and don’t let yourself to be pulled emotionally into the other person’s whirlwind.
3. State the obvious
Once you feel that you are calm enough to articulate what’s going on, state the obvious. Describe what you are noticing. We can all learn to do this calmly and with empathy. By holding the mirror to others we are in fact giving them healthy emotional boundaries. You can also follow-up with a question to check if your observations are correct.
4. Master the risk of a full blowout
When you confront someone and you ask them whether your observations about their emotional processes are correct, be ready to face a certain amount of pushback. Sometimes it comes as a full blowout, mainly if the person is truly emotionally immature or if they have been bottling emotions for a while. Take another breath and assess what is going on. Then…
5. Name the consequences
Most people are not even aware that they have been bottling their emotions or using others for emotional coping purposes. That’s why we need to be ready that our mirroring reaction might take them by surprise. This is the moment to breathe and keep staying rational. You can share the consequences of the vented emotions and their impact on you; you can give examples and point at some similar situations in the past and at their outcome. Basically any factual consequences of misplaced emotions could help you at this point to build your message and to connect to the other person.
6. Suggest a healthier alternative
While being compassionate about the emotional needs of the person in front of us, what we can do is to re-route their attention towards a healthier alternative. For example, they could go for a walk – or a jog. They could cook a meal or engage in a different, more satisfying activity. They could reflect on what they can do about the situation that brings them pain. A sense of personal empowerment is the best healing tool for any emotional unrest.
As for us – instead of becoming an emotional dumping ground, we can reposition ourselves as true emotional supporters, wise “coaches under cover” and enablers of empowerment with a positive orientation towards the future. You never know – sometimes this skill may even safeguard our careers, teams, families or lives.
By Cristina Muntean
Cristina Muntean is a consultant, trainer, mentor and coach who specializes in personal branding, strategic communications, emotional and systemic intelligence for leadership. A former journalist with more than 12 years of experience in the Czech, Romanian and international media, she founded Media Education CEE, a communications and people development agency in Prague in May 2010. Her clients are executive level managers and entrepreneurs with Top100 companies in the Czech Republic and Central and Eastern Europe. Cristina is also an internationally certified trainer and coach with the Enneagram, a complex system of personal development, and a facilitator of systemic dynamics in organizations. She provides services in English, Czech, French and Romanian, her mother tongue. Cristina can be reached at +420 776 574 925 or at cm@cristinamuntean.com.