Jan Mühlfeit and Kateřina Novotná
When I was about to apply for a university back in February 1981, I was on a tennis team and therefore wanted to study at the Faculty of Physical Education and Sport. One evening, my dad came to see me and asked if I didn’t want to give it another thought. He noticed that I like computers and predicted that they will change the world one day. Two days later I threw away the Faculty of Physical Education and Sport application and filled another one, for the Czech Technical University in Prague.
If he would have told me that the Faculty of Physical Education and Sport made no sense and forced me to apply for the Technical University instead, I would have probably chosen the Physical Education. Instead he did what a coach would do. He asked a question and gave me space to find my answer. Parents usually tend to be tough mentors rather than coaches. They don’t ask, they share their experiences instead. Sharing one’s point of view is a lot easier. Asking and waiting for the kid to find the answer on their own requires patience that many lack. But it is a lot better approach because it gives the kids a chance to figure out what they want. Ideally the parent should be both coach and mentor.
Typically, the kid wants to study medicine and is told that doctors have low incomes in this country and that law is a better choice. Many kids end up studying something they don’t really enjoy. Which is wrong – people don’t get stimulated, energized and happy doing something they don’t really like. They don’t get to feel the flow which a person experiences when their talent connects with what they enjoy, what corresponds with their values and feeling of accomplishment, and what motivates their further development and achievements.
Enthusiasm
Little children know the flow state quite well. They know what makes them happy and gives them energy. Even one-year-old babies have such a talent. Watching what they play with and what they react to makes you realize what it is. They may already have a sense for music or dance, and when hearing music it makes them dance and enjoy themselves, careless of what is going on around them or if they are tired or hungry. Some children and many adults often stick out a tip of a tongue when doing something they really enjoy, as they fully focus and get absorbed by the activity.
Many parents never notice their children’s flow and feel ignored and disobeyed instead. It is important not to let the children do whatever they want or to find an excuse for misbehaving, but also to pay attention to what is going on and realize that the activity leading to flow may become a strong side and passion of the kid and could be further developed in future. The creativity level decreases dramatically with age and it is quite important to remember what made a person happy as a child.
If parents manage to track down what is their child’s flow activity and what could be the talent of their child, it increases the chances of their child’s success noticeably. For example, the Olympics pentathlon winner David Svoboda’s passion for athletics has been lovingly supported by his mother. Jaromir Jagr played with a hockey stick and a ping-pong ball since the age of three and his grandmother challenged him by sitting on the chair he used as a net keeping him from scoring a goal with her feet. And famous musicians mostly practice for hours daily.
If these activities didn’t give them energy, they would never get so good mastering whatever their skill. On the other hand, an extrovert who needs contact with other people cannot excel if forced to sit in front of a computer eight hours a day programming.
Both children and parents often have a funny idea of what a talent is. If we discover the so-called softer talents in a child, such as empathy and sense for relationships or responsibility, at the Unlocking of Child’s Potential Course we teach, neither the parents nor the children see these as talents. They tend to believe that talent is for mathematics or sport, but it is just the contrary. It is exactly these softer talents that lead to professional success and make people become successful managers.
Boundaries
Motivation is a key source of personal development and talent developing. If offered money, or movies’ tickets or sleepover at friend’s in exchange for carrying out the task, the child feels motivated. But it is an outer motivation and no matter what kind of activity it is meant to motivate, it rarely enthuses the child. On the other hand, if children are interested in something and enjoy doing it, they feel emotionally attached to that activity – it sets of their inspiration and inner motivation. Those are hard to initiate. Examples work the best: the parents, sportsmen, artists, businessmen, anyone who succeeded and loves what they are doing.
Parents often build boundaries through the values they pass on to their kids – by sharing what they think is right. Norwegian educator Godi Keller explained this model on his own experience as a child. His kindergarten was close to a river where they used to play with friends. It was adventurous and they learned a lot at the same time. They just loved playing by the river. One girl whose parents were environmental activists never stepped into the river with them, because she has been told by her parents since she was very little how polluted the planet is and how infected the waters are. Later, as she grew up, she never developed any relationship towards nature and never cared for ecology. Her parents never gave her a chance to make an opinion of her own and they spoiled ecology for her completely. It is important for parents to share their values and opinions, but it is just as important to give children enough space to develop their own.
Trust
For children to see their parents as someone they can listen to and rely on, trust is the key factor. The three important components of trust are: fairness, consistency, and authenticity.
Fairness is always subjective. Even if the parents try really hard and use their best judgment, their child may still feel like they are not being fair. Fairness and judgment always come together, but judgment should stay out of the communication. It is better to use the coaching style and ask questions rather than pass judgments. For example: “Do you feel good about what you did to your sibling given the consequences?”
Consistency in upbringing and opinions gives children a sense of security and order. The same may be valid for regular daily regime – waking up, eating and going out at the same time. Consistency should also mean applying the same models for problem-solving and keeping promises. Of course, freedom is necessary, but it is the consistency of opinions and order that set the boundaries and trust children need. Occasional snap or changes are normal and cannot damage the long-time functioning order.
The third component of trust is authenticity. Parent is a role model for a child. If parent do something wrong, they should admit it and explain in the way relevant to the age and understanding of the child. Mistakes cannot be hidden and trying to do so can seriously jeopardize the trust-building. Children know when something is wrong, even if they don’t understand what and why.
The inevitable part of relationships is feedback. At times, a child feels like he or she cannot achieve anything and has no talents at all. Such absolute judgments are usually picked up at home. According to Tim Gallwey, one of the best coaches in the world, such general absolute judgments are not good and should be replaced with particular feedback. Telling a son that he is good-for-nothing and will never achieve anything in his life is not helpful in any way. Feedback on specific activities and actions is a lot better solution. Rebuke should be always followed by acclaim or some kind of positive feedback with motivation potential. Or, possibly, an advice suggesting how a particular mistake can be avoided in future.
A to A+
Many people confuse talent for strength. There is a major difference. Talent is something we are born with, something that is characteristic of our personality, our potential. Often we don’t even notice it as a talent or something that could be further developed. If supported by some kind of investment – studies, experience, training – a talent becomes a strength.
For people who discover and unlock their potential and develop it in harmony with their values, a task becomes a joy, they feel the flow and can work hard and develop further while feeling fulfilled.
One boy from our last course had three talents – he could foresee future, he was caring and competitive. The first two were embraced by him and his parent, the competitiveness was not. His mother argued that the boy feels no need to excel in mathematics and doesn’t care about his grades. If judged only based on the field he doesn’t enjoy – like mathematics, or school anyway, it can’t be said, that he is not competitive in general.
What about weaknesses and struggles? Some things simply need to be learned at least to some level. Tiger Woods’ strength is definitely not the bunker shot. His strength is his swing but he also learned how to deal with bunker. If Jaromir Jagr played defence, he would hardly get in the Czech Premier League, because heis note great in ice-skate backwards. But he doesn’t really need it as a right winger. He had to learn it in case he needs it but he never had to master it. Our weaknesses are usually not a real burden. We usually work in teams and our weaknesses are the strengths of our colleagues and vice versa. An E cannot be turned into an A permanently. It may be turned into a C. But an A can be turned into an A+.
Ninety percent of children struggle when choosing the secondary school. They don’t really know what they like or are good at. They haven’t discovered their talents yet, nor did they have a chance to develop them. Of course, the chosen education field may not be the one they will pursue and base their future on. However discovering the child’s talent and flow moments can raise the chance that they will not study something they don’t enjoy at all. The peak of Mount Everest can be reached using different routes. Some talents help to succeed in any field.
It can happen that children start climbing the career ladder on their own and quite fast. If they don’t discover their passions right when they start, they may find out later, that they have been climbing the wrong ladder. But it can be prevented.
Unlocking Child’s potential
It is very important to help children discover their talents, support their development and teach them, how to use those talents efficiently so that they bring them joy and success. We decided to create the full day seminar of Unlocking the Child’s Potential for children and their parents helps children with understanding what are their talents and how can they be used in their professional and personal life. The Course is primarily for kids age 10–14, usually the participants are age 8–16. Throughout the day we cover an introduction to positive psychology, topics of brain functions, motivation, energy, time, inspiration or finding your true self. In the second part, we use test to find individual talents and we focus on practical exercises and personal consults to discover the potential. use of these talents. You can learn more about our seminars here http://janmuhlfeit.com/cs/produkty/9-odemykani-detskeho-potencialu or in our online program “Unlock your child’s potential” here www.flowee.cz .
By Jan Mühlfeit in cooperation with Kateřina Novotná